32 weeks

Let's get this out of the way first. Here is me, with the little bug in my belly at 32 weeks:

Just a note: that is a globe behind me in front of the window, not some weird extension of my belly. :-)

I am still feeling pretty good, but the third-trimester is a bit of a trial. I am going to take Chris' lead and list the good and the not so good.

The good:
- Feeling our little boy move around more and more and watching my belly morph into various shapes

- Being done with our childbirth classes and baby care class

- Still fitting into my favorite fleece

- Thinking about the fact that by next Thanksgiving we are going to have a little munchkin crawling - maybe even running? - around the house.

- Not feeling guilty about eating... anything.

- Chocolate milk - that is my latest craving. I can't explain it. I am generally lactose intolerant, but now I can guzzle this stuff without a problem. It's heaven.

- My eczema cleared up thanks to my crazy hormones.

- More cute baby clothes.

- Imagining what Drew will look like holding our baby and listening to him talk about all the father-son stuff he will do with him.

- Shopping for baby stuff.

The not so good:

- Pelvic pain - according to my doc, it's just my ligaments stretching, but holy mother of God, it hurts.

- Granny panties

- Stretch marks. Not that I ever would wear a bikini, but still.

- Trying to turn in bed at night - it's a production.

- Trying to get informed about what's good for baby and what isn't, and at the same time tuning it all out and making up my own mind.

- Assembling baby equipment.

- Feeling completely useless because I get tired after doing a load of laundry.

So, the not so good list is really not that long and those are all minor complaints. And Drew's been awesome about doing pretty much everything around the house and hoisting me up when I want to turn or get up at night. I know it sounds stupid, but it really helps.

Eight weeks to go - if all goes well - and I can't decide whether that's a lifetime away, or whether that feels like tomorrow.

Baby room!

I am 28 weeks today! Yey! Some days it seems like I have all the time in the world until our little guy arrives, and some days it seems like time just whizzes buy! Oy.

Last weekend I had an awesome baby shower! Highlights included: a fine collection of awesome women gathered in my living room, a diaper cake made by my Mom, cookies and sandwiches that were out of this world - also thanks to Mom, and some super cute gifts!

We spent this morning and afternoon preparing the baby room. I held off until now because we were expecting overnight guests and couldn't get rid of our guest bed until today. But we got a lot done today - a lot more than I thought we would! It's a bit of a relief, because the sight of all the stuff piled in there was stressing me out. It was also hard to see and know what else we need to buy - and let me just say this, that there's a lot left! Shopping! :-)

Here is the above-mentioned chaos.

And after the chaos... I am still not sure about all of the furniture placement and the wall decorations are still up for debate. But it's a good start.

I definitely love the new glider and the entire little nursing/rocking corner. Ahhh....

Mind the Gap

Today was an exciting day for me. It will not sound exciting to anyone else, but here it is: I received a large package from The Gap.

The package was for me. It wasn’t a gift for someone else, or a mistake, nor did the package contain shoes or a bag or other accessories. No: it contained actual clothes. Maternity clothes. For me.

Now, the reason why this is so exciting is because the last time a piece of clothing – namely a pair of jeans and men’s shirt – from The Gap fit me was in 1996, if I remember correctly. I was a sophomore in college. It was a long, long time ago.

Read the rest at The Nervous Breakdown!

23 weeks

Here is a brief baby inventory...

So far the baby has:

1. A couple of cute outfits

2. A kick-ass pram stroller courtesy of my parents

3. A crib

4. A changing table

5. Bathtub

6. A bib and sippy cup

7. One set of ecstatic Hungarian grandparents

8. One set of slightly freaked out but over the moon happy future parents

9. Way too many nicknames

10. A soccer ball, baseball, and football, courtesy of above-mentioned grandparents.

I can't believe I am doing this, but here is me, at 23 weeks and 2 days. I am still feeling pretty great - some aches and pains, but nothing major to complain about. Not obvious from the picture: the luscious hair, strong, beautiful nails, and smooth skin I've been enjoying. Do I have to stay permanently pregnant to keep these?

And here is the Little Guy himself, snuggling with the placenta, or whatever it is babies like to do in the womb:

Boy, oh boy!

We found out yesterday (on 9/9/09, no less!) that we are having a little boy! I was secretly hoping that it would be a boy - not sure why. I would have been happy either way, but this way I am totally psyched!

The ultrasound tech took her time to measure everything from head to toe. At the end of the exam she said: "I know your baby's sex. You probably can't see it on the monitor, but I can see it and I know what it is." Well, are you going to tell us woman????? Geeez... By the way, we could see it too. Ah, technology! It's amazing!

We could see the baby move like it was going out of style - we could even see his little mouth moving. He'll be a talker - I am sure he gets that from Drew. I've been feeling him move a lot too and it's too bad that Drew can't feel it yet. Soon, soon... That doesn't stop him from keeping his hand on my belly nonstop, which is perfectly fine with me. I'll take all the tummy time I can get! It goes well with the intense clingyness I've been feeling toward Drew. It's SUPER annoying because I have never been clingy, but now I get bent out of shape when he has to work late. Ugh. Not an attractive side-effect or pregnancy!

The other surprise yesterday was that they moved my due date to 1/11/10 instead of 1/16. No biggie, really, but man, that would be another awesome date!

I can finally start shopping for baby stuff - so far the only things the kid has are a bunch of children's books, a bottle, and a sample diaper. Oh, and a HUGE bag of big boy toys from my parents, including a soccer ball, baseball, football, Matchboxes... I guess it's not a bad start, but I have an inkling that this will not be enough. We are hopefully buying a crib and changing table this weekend, along with a rug and curtains. I will also allow myself to go loose at the Carter's outlet in Freeport. Watch out! I am also secretly thrilled that this will be a winter baby. I mean, check this out...It's ridiculous, right?

On a more serious note... I've been taking a prenatal yoga class for the past couple of weeks, which has been a great way to stretch and relax. But what I love the most is the ability to chat with other pregnant ladies. During the first couple of weeks everyone's been sort of reserved, but for the past few weeks we've been more chatty about baby stuff. In turn the instructor - who is also a midwife - has been giving great advice, answering questions, etc. It's been awesome! Last week she talked about how important it was during labor to be able to say what we need - whether is quiet, or a backrub, or whatever. It turned into a long discussion about how husbands handle the situation and whether they rise to the occasion.

In the end, the midwife said that instead of worrying about whether our partners will be good enough supports, we should talk with them about what kind of parents we want to be. Labor is going take up one day - but then the real work will begin. I guess I knew that, but it was good to hear it and now I feel better about having a bit of a laissez faire attituted about the labor thing. Sure, I want a healthy baby and a healthy me, but the discussion about choices around giving birth is giving me a headache. Everyone (online or not) has an opinion and I just want to get there and see how it goes. Maybe that's naive, but how can I possibly make a decision in advance about something that I have never experienced? So I am practicing my yoga breathing and thinking past that (hopefully) one day. It's a relief, let me tell you!

Moving right along

Yesterday was my 16-week appointment, even though technically I will be 17-weeks on Saturday. (Side note: I always found it totally annoying when people used to say 16 weeks instead of four months. It required me to do some quick math in my head. And now here I am doing the same thing!)

I got to hear the baby's heartbeat - blupblupblupblupblup - and the doctor measured my belly. "Wow, it got big!" he exclaimed and I wanted to punch him just a little bit. First of all, it's not even that big, second of all, I still look like I am just fat.

I started a prenatal yoga class this week and I was the chubby girl amongst all the pregnant women. I had some serious belly envy. I know it's coming and I know it all depends on body type, but come on! What can I say? Patience was never one of my strengths.

The big day is 9/9/09 when we will find out the baby's gender. Can't wait! Hopefully he/she won't be shy and will show us the goods. We also started to look at daycare centers - ugh. It's a bit daunting, not to mention weird to be thinking about passing baby off somewhere before I even met him/her. The first place we saw was OK, but it was all very cluttered and dark and messy. We are going to see another one this afternoon, so I am hoping for the best. Although, what the "best" might be is still yet to be determined.

A test of patience

I think this is the longest I have ever, ever kept a secret! I SO wanted to blog about it and announce it on Facebook and Twitter and other social media outlets, but I just couldn't... But now my boss knows, my colleagues know, so I can let all three of my blog's readers know: I am pregnant!

IUI #3 on April 23 was a success. I know it sounds stupid, but I totally knew it. As soon as the doctor was done and left the room, I felt this overwhelming joy. I was laying there with my hips propped up, crying. I just knew.

I took "only" four pregnancy tests - the first was negative and the rest positive! We saw his/her little bud legs and arms on an ultrasound June 15, at 9 weeks and 2 days. I was expecting the ultrasound to be fuzzy, but as soon as it was turned on there was no doubt - it was a baby! It even wiggled its little feet.

I've been feeling great - no morning sickness or anything else too unpleasant. I had a couple of days of feeling green, but I've been keeping a supply of animal crackers and diet ginger ale on hand at all times. I haven't had any cravings either for anything specific, but every time I see something on the Food Network, or in a TV ad, I want to eat it. Subway footlong meatball sandwich - sounds good to me! Halibut seasoned with chiles on a light cucumber salad prepared by Iron Chef Mario Battali - YUM! Drew's ham and cheese sandwich - I want it! If it's food and I see it, I want it.

My next ultrasound is not until the beginning of September, when we'll find out the baby's gender... I don't think I have a preference. Drew and I always thought that we'd have a boy, but then I had a dream that we had a girl. I am not sure how good dreams are at predicting these things, so we'll see. I'd been happy either way. Although I have to say that coming up with a good, strong, non-stripper sounding girl name is not very easy. But we'll manage, I am sure!

So, here I am... I am at 15 weeks, super excited, super freaked out, super emotional (Home Depot commercials make me cry), super everything. The journey has begun!

Better luck next time

The IUI didn't work this time around. It's a bummer, but it's not unexpected. The doctor said that there is only a 20% chance any given month... I'd like to think of it more like a 50% chance - it will either work or it won't - but this month it didn't.

I wasn't quite sure last night, so I took a pregnancy test. I got a digital one, because the little pink and blue lines/plus-minus signs can be ambiguous at best. So Drew and I stared at the thing in the bathroom, watching the little hourglass blink as the test was "thinking." Then suddenly, the result: Not Pregnant.

"Wow," said Drew. "That's a little too blunt." I had to laugh. I guess a lot of people are happy to see that they are not pregnant and would feel relief, or find the finality of Pregnant just as rude as we found Not Pregnant. But there was something to what Drew said. The test was so cold, so clinical, so unfeeling. No "better luck next time," or "try again," or "oops." No humanity.

On the same day, I found out that my childhood friend from Budapest lost her baby. She was 7 or 8 weeks along... I guess it was a "no baby" day all around. Her situation made me think of all the stuff that may still wait for us down the road -- good and bad. Well, honestly, I can't even comprehend all of it, but I am getting vague glimpses of the highs, lows, the madness, the hope, the giddiness, the disappointment... It is like a rollercoaster and I am just trying to hold on tight, close my eyes, and scream through the scary parts.

Sunday musings

First, a bit of whining... As I am waiting to find out whether the IUI worked (one more week to go), I am going through a minor version of my own little hell with my skin. My eczema apparently was kept in check by the gallons of steroid creams I've been using all of my life. Now that those are out of the question because I am in the group of "women who are or who might be pregnant," my skin decided to just simply peel off my face in small bits. It's a lovely feeling and sight. Sigh.

But other than spending a ridiculous amount of time dipping myself into various moisturizers, the weekend has been quiet. We are watching our icicles grow on our roof and waiting for snow-plow man to come and clean off our roof. Yey.

This would be pretty, if it weren't for the fact that our porch already flooded because of the ice collecting on the roof. Shoddy window installation was the culprit, apparently. It's been fixed and now all we have to do is replace the ugly linoleum porch flooring. I am cool with that.

In other news, before meeting Girl Chris and Boy Chris last night for dinner, I picked up my pottery from the studio. Not a great batch, but eh, they are OK. Dinner, on the other hand was fab. It's hard to find friends once you are out of college, especially couple friends where both the husbands and the wives get along. So it's always a relief when during dinner the men don't sit quietly and grumble to themselves.

A leafy platter. It's one of the better pieces. The glaze is more greenish than on the picture.

I like the way the texture of this turned out... The bowl itself is just OK. For some reason I haven't been inspired in pottery class lately. Too much gossiping, I guess.

I also took this awesome picture today at the car wash. I LOVE driving through car washes. It just makes me giddy and happy. I don't know why, but really, who cares?

And I would remiss not to mention the fact that it's Super Bowl Sunday. Here is Drew with his Terrible Towels.

Go Steelers!

Fertility Hilarity

Warning: over sharing happening below. If you are squeamish, turn away now.

Today was Operation "Turkey Basting" as Drew and I lovingly refer to a simple little procedure called intrauterine insemination. The doctor takes Drew's sperm, and when my eggs are all happy and ready, he injects the boys into my uterus. Simple. So today right around noon, I found myself driving down Route 1 between Saco and Scarborough with a small jar of "sample" between my boobs.

The morning started with several dilemmas: What to wear? I had to keep the "sample" warm and stable. I opted for a simple black plunge bra that provides enough lift and separation to accommodate the jar. Perfect. Another thing to ponder: Turnpike or Route 1? I had exactly 30 minutes to make it to my doctor's office, which on most days is enough, except for days when Saco decides to have the traffic of New York City.

I was lucky today and made it in less than 20 minutes. As I was walking from my car to the lab, I was amazed at how sort of nonchalantly I was able to walk around, knowing what was under my clothes. I even made small-talk in the elevator with another woman - who knows what she was hiding in her bra?

So, I went straight to the lab, where nurse Dolores asked me my birthday like, a hundred times. Then Drew's birthday. Then the spelling of my name, followed by the usual "oh, that's so pretty, where are you from?" comments. Come on woman! I've got a jar full of sperm under my shirt and we are discussing nationalities??? She finally got to the important part. "So, do you have the sample?" Well, yes I do. But what is the best way to get it out? There were other people around me and since I am still new at this, I was a little sheepish about handing some other woman my husband's sperm practically in the middle of a waiting room. But there was nothing else to do, but to reach into my sweater and pull out the cup. Whew. Boys safely delivered. Dolores never batted an eye.

By that time Drew was there too and we spent an hour in the waiting room looking at magazines. Note to self: If I ever do get pregnant, I have to stay away from these. It seems like every single cute baby picture is followed by some horrific story about sore nipples and hemorrhoids. Ick.

The rest of the procedure was pretty painless and speckled with inappropriate sperm jokes courtesy of my doctor. He is awesome. I won't know if this worked for a couple of weeks, but I hope that I will be able to find all of this funny even if I do have to do it two or three or four more times.

There is a period missing at the end of that sentence

Warning: I am going to do a bit of oversharing in this post.

So, my period was late. Very late. So late, that I started to think, well, maybe this is it.

It was a funny feeling. There was none of the panic of college years when every day past the due date I said a little prayer: "please don't let me be pregnant, please don't let me be pregnant." I was always responsible, but you just never know, right? So I almost had to remind myself not to panic, that this was a good thing, that this was what I wanted.

Then, once I realized I didn't have to panic, came other disturbing thoughts and phantom symptoms. That twinge of nausea while I was brushing my teeth in the morning - was that pregnancy, or the seafood from last night, or was I sticking the tootbrush too far down to reach my back teeth? Are my boobs tender, or is my bra uncomfortable? Are my jeans a little snugger than usual because of the chocolate cake for dinner, or you know, from a fetus growing inside?

I actually had to stop myself from feeling giddy, from thinking about baby names, from running out and buying baby furniture. But my thoughts ran wild without my permission. Baby Porter or Fiona (although I am still not sure about Fiona - it makes me think of Shrek's wife...) will have my curly hair and Drew's button nose and blue eyes. He/she will be a good baby, not much crying, above average intelligence, good manners, good grades, etc. I will be working from home - maybe? - and we'll have a little house with a little garden where we'll plant tomatoes and beans with the kids.

OK, OK, stop!

But if I wanted to be honest with myself, I knew that I really wasn't feeling any different than usual. Then my Mom assured me that if I were pregnant, I really wouldn't feel anything at first. That just added fuel to the fire and I could barely sleep that night. I am not feeling anything = I am pregnant!

I had a sudden urge to do major spring cleaning that Sunday - was the apartment dirty, or was I nesting? - and when my period made its entrance between scrubbing the kitchen floor and vacuuming, I was miffed. Disappointed. Felt really stupid for thinking I could be pregnant. I promised that I would not drive myself crazy every month, but now it was happening.

That is the weird thing about trying to get pregnant. When you start out, you don't think it really matters whether it happens or not, whether it happens now or a year from now. You are just trying because, well, because that's what you do. But as soon as you start trying, the baby project becomes more important than you ever thought possible. And now here I was, just like other women, waiting anxiously every month, feeling let down, angrily shoving furniture out of the way.

I popped a couple of Tylenols to curb the cramps that were swirling in my tummy and watered the plants. I watched my favorite Danielle Steele romance of Oxygen - the one about the German woman who escapes to America carrying the baby of her Nazi officer lover. I made dinner.

There is always next month